I grew up to see how my mum submitted her all to my dad. She gave up her career, happiness, and even her family just to please my father. Her reward on the other hand was premium dozes of abuse. My father was angrier than he was happy. There was nothing I didn’t see my dad do to my mum.
Because mum used to be a runway model before marriage, he always called her a slut and never trusted her loyalty. I have seen him also throw food at her because he claimed her food was too spicy. These were not occasional but regular occurrences. Dad ensured mum disconnected links with all her family members and friends. His insecurities disassociated her from everyone who could help.
What was her response to all of this? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I and my siblings at certain times tried to step in and speak up for her but we received our fair share of the tyranny that reigned at home.
Every day mum would still cook, do her chores, and respect my father and when we confront her to do something, she will say, “Don’t worry, he will change, just give him time.”
I stayed 23 years under his roof and all I saw was abuse, strife, and everything negativity represented.
As fate played out, I found a man who wanted to marry me. I fell in love with him and said yes to his proposal.
Before my wedding, mum kept on speaking to me about patience and endurance. Hearing her advice from her provoked me greatly. Is that all there is in marriage?
Well, a night before my wedding, my elder sister called me and said, “Chisom, you have seen how Dad treated Mum and you have made up your mind to get married still. Well, you already know my resolve, I don’t think I can trust any man enough to get married. Hmmm! Since this is your choice, I won’t talk you out of it but I have some advice for you, Do not lose guard. Don’t go about acting unwise like mum. Stay woke, don’t give room for abuse. I know Dare looks like a good man but change is constant, how he will act in the future is all in your hands.”
After speaking, she hugged me tightly and made me promise I will keep in touch no matter what happens and I promised.
Then I married Dare, and we had a great honeymoon but on our return, I activated my guard. There was this morning he was preparing for work and he lightly teased and asked if I won’t make him breakfast.
“Is it your right? Wow! It’s the guts for me. Is breakfast now my signature? Did you marry me to come to make you breakfast? Because I did it a few times doesn’t mean I will always do it. Please, do not let us have problems this morning. Go fix something for yourself.”
Dare was shocked, he looked at me but couldn’t say a thing. After a while, he stopped bothering me about his breakfast.
I work remotely so this made me stay indoors more often. I normally get off bed around 10:30 am, after I must have written 2 or 3 articles for publications. My routine after this was to brush my teeth, have my bath, eat some food, wear something nice, and surf the net. After which I will make lunch and continue working online.
My elder sister called to check on me and told her how I tackled the breakfast issue in my home and she was proud.
I never gave Dare a chance to tell me what to do as I never gave myself room to seem weak before him. I loved my husband but I didn’t want to lose guard. I didn’t want to go through what my mum went through so I remained firm and unteachable.
Matters began to rise in my home and Dare tried to talk to me but I never listened. For peace’s sake, he cleans the house and does the dishes before bedtime daily while I busied myself on my phone or the TV. The only thing I did was to cook lunch daily which served as his dinner when he returns. I felt that was enough responsibility for me to handle.
After 4 years in marriage, I got a shocker one morning when Dare handed over to me a divorce letter. He said lightly, “I can’t continue marriage with a woman who doesn’t listen and who can’t grow with me. I am sorry, Chisom but I can’t do this no more.”
I sat there clueless. I was shocked and speechless. I didn’t want a divorce. I loved Dare. A few minutes after he handed over the letter to me, he left for work. I couldn’t call my elder sister because she would advise me to sign it and get my total freedom.
I carried the letter to my former neighbour and her husband who are both counselors. I needed to know what to do.
Mrs. TJ read through the letter and shook her head. She spoke with her husband and he whispered something to her. After a while, she sat me down and spoke as a mother would to me. It was on this note that my eyes opened to reality. I discovered that I treated Dare wrongly and I am only reaping the fruits of my labour. She didn’t judge me either but counseled me stating that I had been damaged by my parent’s relationship at an early age and that was the reason behind my anger and defense.
After hours of counseling, Mr. And Mrs. TJ prayed with me and asked me to go fix my errors. I hurried home. I made dinner before Dare returned. I examined and noticed how unkept the house had been under my watch. I did as much as I could before my husband return.
On his return, I served him dinner. Same dinner he normally helped himself with from the kitchen. I sat at the table with him and watched him eat. He seemed really unhappy but kept his cool.
“Babe, I’ve been a witch for four years now. I’ve been a thorn in your flesh for so long. I have been wrong for four solid years.”
At this point, I had tears roll down my cheeks. I knelt before Dare and held his feet while asking him to forgive me.
“I understand if you don’t want me to be your wife anymore but please just find a place in your heart to forgive me.”
Dare kept silent and unmoved amidst all my pleas. I vented my heart about how my dad treated my mom and how I vowed never to let any man treat me the same way.
“No two men are the same, Chisom. I am not your dad and I can never be like him.”
He said a lot of things and after he was done, he picked up the divorce letter from the table and tore it into pieces. He sat with me on the floor and hugged me. While at it, he said, “Honey, our marriage will work and ours will inspire the world.”
I kept sobbing and thanking him for giving us another chance.
The end.
· Do not treat people based on how others treat you.
· When you are wounded, don’t cover the wounds, get a cure.
· No two marriages are the same. Listen beyond words and act accordingly.
I pray for any marriage going through challenges, may the Lord come through for you and open your eyes to what you need to handle.
My name is Sophy Bless and I am concerned about your happiness.
© Sophy Bless
Sophybless 